therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Left at a local drug store…
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I occasionally drink every single night.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
😂😂😂
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper