Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
this came to me in a vision
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*