If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not