Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.