Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
happy valentine’s day to me
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️