Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am