I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say