Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!