COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”