Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE