I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Monday
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Every damn time
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Software Development ⛵️
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
This line from Airplane.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!