Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.