Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
When your man makes a valid point
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Effort made
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.