son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Seals are just dog mermaids.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD