Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.