Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *