A Short Story.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*