Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!