For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I didn’t realize that was an option
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I feel seen.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
channeling her this year