If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”