unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?