Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”