I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
how high up are we talkin’?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
The prophecy is fulfilled
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.