ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
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“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business