[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
This is so me 😂😂
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls