[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
You Might Also Like
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
HELP 😭
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.