every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
drew a comic about my origin story
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”