me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
When your man makes a valid point
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m tired tomorrow.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube