COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Autocarrot sucks!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.