The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess