BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Brands during Pride
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.