The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.