You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Oh hi lol
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.