How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.