I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
You Might Also Like
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.