i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Geez man, take it easy.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Just me?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
the composer
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?