[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Sorry not sorry.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me