Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Namaste
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
can’t believe I got front row seats
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.