There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
my nickname in college
Good morning, Twitter x
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*pronounces UPS like yoops