Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Science memes
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this