what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I drew y’all a little something.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.