Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no