I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Did my cat write this
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
beware of dog
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.