Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
oh you wanna fight?!
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery