If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.