West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.