Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
life finds a way
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.