My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me