My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.