A couple who are silly together stay together.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris